In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and thought, huh, that was easy.

He realized that telling the difference between the two in the eternal darkness was trying, so he went to work and created light. And He saw that it was good, so he kept going. Working quickly now, he caused waters to fall and land to rise, giving Him someplace to rest while keeping dry. But the land was barren, and boring, so after a nap, God decided to spruce it up.

So He made grass, and trees, and fruits, and vegetables, and all matter of plants, and set them about the land. Just for kicks, he put some in the waters too. Wanting a little more change, He created the Sun, and the Moon, and in an act of legendary juggling, He set them all spinning about each other, creating Day and Night. For a whole day He was content with his creations.

But on the next day, He grew bored again, and set about to create something more dynamic. So he made fish to swim in the sea, birds to fly through the sky, and beasts to eat the plants of the land. He then made bigger fish, and bigger birds, and bigger beasts, to chase the smaller creatures. He watched them live, greatly amused by their struggle for existence.

But He grew bored again, and stared at the ocean, wondering what He could do next. The problem, He decided, was there was nothing at stake. The creatures only reason for trying to live was to continue living. There needs to be more. So after accidentally creating Philosophy, He went to work. Based on His own reflection, He created Man, and told him that he would be in charge.

“You shall aspire to fly like the bird, and swim like the fish, and be lords of all creatures on the land and sea and sky.”

God leaned back, and watched the show. Until He would grow bored again.

In his pretend life, August Baker is a retail monkey who channels anger and loathing into something vaguely resembling literature. In his real life, he is a Space Pirate.


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