Hidden Hangout (Episode 3.8)

MAURICE:   Hello, everyone! Welcome to another episode of Hidden Hangout. As always, I’m your host, Maurice the Closet Monster.

(Theme music accompanied by awkward dancing around the set)

We’ve got a fantastic show lined up for you. In our cooking segment, we’ll be showing you some great tips for saving money on your grocery bill by shopping from your neighbors’ garden when they’re not home.

We’ll be talking with treasure expert, Bruce the Pygmy Dragon. He’ll be sharing his favorite brass polishing tips, as well as some advice on how to shop for the best deals on antiques at flea markets.

And , yes, you’ve probably already heard about it. We have Yanni in the house today!

(Wild applause)

It’s all coming up later in the show, so there’s lots of awesome stuff to stick around for. But first, we’ve got a little segment we call “The Abandoned Casting Couch.” We’ve got some truly wonderful people here today who, for whatever reason, never made it very far on the page.

So, put your hands together for my first guest, Princess Amberlyn of Mount Raven’s Blood! Come on out, Amberlyn!

(Polite applause while guest enters and Maurice kisses her cheek)

You look absolutely gorgeous, Amberlyn. Thanks for coming.

AMBERLYN:  Thanks for having me, Maurice. It’s been years since I’ve been anywhere.

MAURICE:  That’s sad to hear. You used to rule a country, isn’t that right?

AMBERLYN: I suppose. I know I set off on a long journey to get there, but I’m afraid I never arrived. Had a few adventures, but frankly, every time I got very far down the road, I found myself back at the beginning, starting over.

MAURICE:  Sounds like you were caught in a time loop.

AMBERLYN:  Not really. It was more of a rewrite limbo.

MAURICE:  I’m sure your story would have been very exciting. I’m so sorry it didn’t make it very far.

AMBERLYN:  It’s okay. I saw the outline. There was some seriously awful crap coming my way. Ghosts, murdered babies, a broken heart. At least I never got that far with it.

MAURICE:  I like your attitude, Princess. Maybe you can share it with my next guest, The Hunter. Come on out The Hunter!

(A smattering of applause)

HUNTER: Hello.

MAURICE: Hi, and welcome! Tell, me, Mr. The Hunter, you’re originally from a fairy tale, correct?

HUNTER:  I guess.

MAURICE: Not a man of many words, I see. Your story was actually told to the end, then fell into the editing cracks, right?

HUNTER: Yes. We’re on the wait list to move forward.

MAURICE: Excellent! So you might still see the light of day. Tell me, Mr. The Hunter, did you end up rescuing Little Red the way you’re supposed to?

HUNTER:  She was a slut, just like the rest who came before her. I thought she was my perfect angel, but she was flawed. She got what she deserved. Someday I’ll find the right girl, and the Wolf will take the bait.

MAURICE:  I don’t even know what to say to that.

AMBERLYN:  You know, after all the rewrites I’ve been through, I’m a lot tougher than I used to be. Want me to kick his ass?

MAURICE: Maybe we should move on to my final guest. Please put your hands together for Katie!

(Hopeful applause as a young girl comes out, waving to the audience)

KATIE: Hello. It’s not my birthday, you know.

MAURICE:  No?

KATIE:  No. But they make me celebrate it anyway.

MAURICE: So, is your story finished, Katie?

KATIE: No. I’m still in the spaceship with the aliens. Someday maybe I can go home to my village. I’ve been stuck there on the cold, metal bed for, oh, about two years now.

MAURICE: But you got a birthday party first.

KATIE: Yes. It wasn’t my birthday, though. I got my letter to go serve the Keepers for a year, so we had a birthday party. It was a sad party though. I think bad things are going to happen to me, so I’m okay with my story staying unfinished.

HUNTER: Your skin is so creamy, and your hair looks so soft. You’re like…an angel.

AMBERLYN: Back away from the girl, asshole, or you’ll be swallowing my sword.

MAURICE: Aaaand, I think that’s all the time we have. We’ll be back in a moment with some viewer mail!

(Applause and music)

R.L. Naquin

Rachel is the author of the urban fantasy Monster Haven series from Carina Press. She believes in magic, the power of love, good cheese, lucky socks, and putting things off until stress gets them done faster at the last minute. Her home is Disneyland, despite her current location in Kansas.