“Why is it so hard to find an honest-to-goodness exorcist these days?” Humphrey grumbled as Sir Bartholomew, the castle’s persistent poltergeist, upended his bowl of cereal. Humphrey’s dislodged spoon dripped milk onto the counter.<\/p>\n
“The last several that have come through have either completely failed to notice any supernatural activity or have run screaming when Barty actually does something.”<\/p>\n
His mother munched on a piece of toast and nodded as she turned the page of the newspaper. “Frauds, all of them,” she agreed.<\/p>\n
Barty whooshed her newspaper off the table and she sighed. “He knows well enough to hide when we hire exorcists.”<\/p>\n
Barty cackled has he flew down the hall, and Humphrey put his head in his hands. “I’m about to give up. Sell the castle. Find a nice little cottage somewhere. Give up my title. What am I supposed to be a prince of, anyway?”<\/p>\n
His mother patted him on the shoulder. “There, there. Sir Bart has been a legacy in this castle for years. It wouldn’t quite be the same if he were truly gone.” She went from consoling to glaring. “Besides, you may end up living in a little cottage somewhere before long anyway, so enjoy it while you can. It’s only a matter of time before our village-sized kingdom gets sucked up like all the rest.”<\/p>\n
Humphrey groaned and kept his head in his hands.<\/p>\n
Thankfully, Barty quieted down by lunch time, when Humphrey started to see petitioners. He wasn\u2019t in the mood, though. Barty\u2019s favorite times of day were when he was trying to fall asleep, sometimes the middle of the night, and breakfast just about every morning. Humphrey couldn\u2019t remember the last time he\u2019d gotten a good nights sleep.<\/p>\n
He tried not to rub his eyes as one of the peasants in his kingdom explained how the cottage at the edge of his property was slowly sliding into the swamp. \u201cI can\u2019t be responsible for it if it goes. The swamp isn\u2019t on my property, you see.\u201d<\/p>\n
Humphrey nodded distractedly. \u201cI will tell the Royal Land Surveyor to take a look when he is back from his most recent trip.\u201d<\/p>\n
The peasant scowled. \u201cAlready been out, he has. Just nodded and said it wasn\u2019t on my property, so weren\u2019t my problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
Humphrey frowned. \u201cSo what\u2019s the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n
The peasant looked at him like he was stupid, sighed, and stormed out.<\/p>\n
Humphrey had never claimed to be a good prince. It was only his birth and the untimely death of his father that made it so. He really needed to find a wife.<\/p>\n
And an exorcist, he amended, as his head slipped off his hand. The petitioner before him looked as dejected as the weather had become outside.<\/p>\n
Thankfully that meant that the petitioning was over early, as nasty thunderheads built on the horizon. They were in for a wicked storm, all right.<\/p>\n
Just great, Humphrey thought. If the ghost didn\u2019t keep him up, the storm surely would.<\/p>\n
That night, while he and his mother ate dinner, the storm broke. He could hear the wind howling around the eaves of the castle, Barty answering likewise with his moans. A glance from the window on the way to his study showed a hefty downpour slapping against the walls.<\/p>\n
And then, a horrible gonging noise made Humphrey nearly jump out of his skin. It set Barty off on another rampage, and he heard his mother\u2019s shrill voice from the sitting room.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas that the doorbell? Humphrey, go see who it is. James has the night off.\u201d<\/p>\n
They had sent the butler home when the weather turned nasty so he wouldn\u2019t have to make his way through the storm, so Humphrey sighed and made his way to the large castle doors.<\/p>\n
His mother, already in her dressing gown for the evening (and a brandy clutched in her hand), peeked around the corner to watch him answer the door.<\/p>\n
He threw open the heavy door, and wind and rain whipped into the entry. A sodden figure stood there, and a flash of lightning illuminated a female figure, her sopping hair obscuring her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cI got caught in the storm. Might I bother you for lodgings for the night?\u201d she yelled over the wind.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course,\u201d Humphrey replied, and fought the door shut once she\u2019d crossed the threshold.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh you poor dear,\u201d his mother said, noting the girl\u2019s sodden clothing. \u201cHumphrey, go and find a blanket and some of your sister\u2019s old clothes. Hurry now, before she catches her death!\u201d<\/p>\n
Humphrey sighed and made his way to Harriet\u2019s old room. She had made her way out into the world at a young age, and had never returned to their tiny tract of land. They got postcards from her now and then of the exotic locales she was visiting, but she showed absolutely no interest in ever returning to her home kingdom. Their mother had left her room almost exactly as it had been, so Humphrey grimaced at the layers of dust and found what he was looking for.<\/p>\n
When he made his way back to the grand entrance hall, it was deserted, but he followed the puddles down the hallway. Not to the guest quarters, interestingly enough. What was his mother up to?<\/p>\n
He found the two of them in his father\u2019s old room\u2014he and his wife had started sleeping in separate rooms when Humphrey was still a boy\u2014standing closely to the fire that was just fluttering to life. The girl was still shivering in her wet clothes.<\/p>\n
Humphrey mumbled a greeting and placed the change of clothes in his father\u2019s separate wash room.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks,\u201d the girl\u2014woman really\u2014said gratefully, and disappeared, closing the door behind her.<\/p>\n
\u201cMother, why are we in Barty\u2019s favorite room?\u201d Humphrey asked under his breath when the girl was out of earshot.<\/p>\n
His mother\u2019s eyes twinkled. \u201cHumphrey, I asked her what she did, just making small talk, mind, and it turns out she\u2019s an exorcist! This is perfect! It\u2019s like fate just dropped her into your lap.\u201d<\/p>\n
Humphrey blinked. \u201cAre you sure? I mean, I\u2019ve never heard of a\u2026such a young girl doing such a job.\u201d He corrected himself, not wanting to show his skepticism at a female exorcist. His mother had always believed women could do anything a man could, and usually better, besides.<\/p>\n
His mother shrugged. \u201cOne way to be certain. After a night in here, we\u2019ll know whether she\u2019s being truthful or not.\u201d<\/p>\n
Humphrey very nearly rubbed his hands together with glee. The girl would be so thankful that they let her stay that surely she\u2019d do an exorcism for them. Although he realized his mother\u2019s intentions, putting her in Sir Bart\u2019s room. If she wanted to sleep at all, she\u2019d have to exorcise the ghost. It was as evil as it was ingenious.<\/p>\n
Humphrey sat on his heels poking at the fire and his mother paced, the ice in her glass clinking, while they waited for the girl to come out. She took quite awhile. Humphrey was just beginning to wonder what she was doing, when she emerged.<\/p>\n
Harriet\u2019s clothes were a little large on her, but they showed that she was most definitely not just a girl. She had also brushed out her hair and plaited it into a pretty braid. A light smattering of freckles arched over a perfect button nose, and bright green eyes stared appraisingly out of her narrow face, and her chin had an adorable cleft in it. In a word, she was beautiful. It was a pleasant surprise.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello,\u201d Humphrey said. \u201cI don\u2019t think we were properly introduced.\u201d He held out his hand for introductions.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know who you are, Prince Humphrey. Madame Wisteria,\u201d she said as she took Humphrey\u2019s hand and nodded to his mother. \u201cI\u2019m Abigail, as I told Madame already.\u201d She withdrew her hand from Humphrey\u2019s after a firm shake.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat were you doing out and about in such horrible weather?\u201d He didn\u2019t add in the middle of nowhere like he wanted. His mother was very touchy about the insignificant size and location of their kingdom.<\/p>\n
Abigail shrugged. \u201cMy business is my own. However, I do appreciate you letting me in at this late hour and letting me stay. I promise to be out of your hair by afternoon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo rush,\u201d Humphrey said casually.<\/p>\n
Abigail narrowed her eyes but didn\u2019t comment. \u201cIf you\u2019ll excuse me, my travels have exhausted me. Might I trouble you for some rest?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course, dear,\u201d his mother said, grabbing his arm with her free hand. \u201cWe\u2019ll talk more over breakfast. We begin at nine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Humphrey laid in bed, at any moment expecting to be disturbed by an excitable poltergeist. Much to his amazement, he woke up with the sun shining in his face. A whole night\u2019s sleep with no interruption. He jumped from the bed. He couldn\u2019t remember the last time he felt so awake. So rested.<\/p>\n
He whistled as he dressed and made his way down to breakfast.<\/p>\n
His mother was already at the table reading her paper. He grabbed a couple pieces of toast and poured a cup of coffee. He couldn\u2019t help the ridiculous grin on his face. His mother glanced at him, and her eyes sparkled.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s quiet,\u201d she whispered, as if afraid she might break some spell.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo sign of him?\u201d Humphry asked. He almost didn\u2019t dare hope that his mother\u2019s plan had worked.<\/p>\n
She gave him an amazed smile and shook her head. \u201cNot yet, anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
However, the silence didn\u2019t last long. Abigail burst into the room, slamming the door wide.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood morning,\u201d Humphrey said, blinking in surprise.<\/p>\n
She glared at him. \u201cWere you aware that you have a poltergeist on the premise?\u201d she demanded.<\/p>\n
His mother was quiet, coffee cup lifted halfway to her lips. She set it back on its saucer.<\/p>\n
Humphrey ducked his head sheepishly. \u201cYes. Sir Bartholomew has been haunting this place for several decades now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHad?\u201d his mother said as she folded her hands on the table.<\/p>\n
Abigail shifted her glare to Humphrey\u2019s mother. \u201cYes, had<\/em>. I finally had to exorcise him to get any sleep at all.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLovely, dear. Just lovely!\u201d Wisteria said, clapping her hands.<\/p>\n \u201cYou knew I would. That\u2019s why you put me in that musty old room.\u201d Abigail crossed her arms over her chest. \u201cI expect to be paid for my services.\u201d<\/p>\n Humphrey decided she looked like a thunderhead about to unleash. \u201cOf, course, of course. We are in your debt, Mistress Abigail. We\u2019re prepared to reward you for your, erm, heroic deed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs that so?\u201d Abigail asked. Her voice was still frigid.<\/p>\n His mother rolled her eyes, but Humphrey saw the solution as plain as day. He had been hoping to find a wife. And what better woman than this gorgeous lady that had practically fallen into his lap? She hadn\u2019t said why she had arrived at their castle so late. Perhaps she had even been fishing for a marriage proposal. Surely that was the best thing he could offer this young, single woman.<\/p>\n \u201cYes! I will offer you the most coveted position in the kingdom. I will take you as my wife.\u201d Humphrey stood and offered her his hand.<\/p>\n She gave a loud snort and uncrossed her arms. \u201cThank you, but no.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo?\u201d his mother asked, eyebrows raised.<\/p>\n \u201cNo?\u201d Humphry said weakly, letting his hand drop in hurt defeat.<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I will take my normal exorcism fee, plus the differential for working after hours. I\u2019ll collect that, and be on my way.\u201d She rummaged in her still somewhat damp handbag, wrote out a ticket, and slapped it on the table.<\/p>\n Humphrey about fainted when he saw the amount. He could pay it, but he wouldn\u2019t have much left in his coffers after that.<\/p>\n \u201cErm, I might have to come up with a payment plan.\u201d He cleared his throat and coughed at her deadly look. \u201cOr, I can pay you upfront right away.\u201d<\/p>\n He watched wistfully as the beautiful exorcist made her way from the castle, pouches bulging with his kingdom\u2019s riches.<\/p>\n And so the castle was now exorcised. No more Sir Bartholomew. Over the next several days, Humphrey found that he was not only missing the gold from his treasury, but also the annoying poltergeist. Bad luck ensued, and much ahead of schedule, his kingdom went completely bankrupt, and he and his mother were forced to flee from angry peasants who tried\u2014unsuccessfully\u2014to catch the ghost-free castle alight.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere are we supposed to go?\u201d his mother demanded, barely visible under mound of gowns and other expensive accessories that she had \u201csaved\u201d from the palace.<\/p>\n It was then that Humphrey remembered his petitioner who mentioned the cottage that was slowly sliding into the swamp. It wasn\u2019t technically part of the kingdom, and the petitioner had said it had been abandoned for generations, so he figured nobody would mind the ex-king moving in with his mother.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is it?\u201d his mother asked, still clutching her valuables. She seemed reluctant to put the mound down on the dirty floor.<\/p>\n \u201cHome sweet home,\u201d Humphrey announced, and dropped his saddle bags (he had saved the bags, stuffed full of treasures of his own, but not the horse) onto the floor. \u201cWe\u2019ll get it cleaned up and it\u2019ll be the little cottage with no responsibility I\u2019ve always dreamed of.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t until that night, tossing and turning on a pile of fresh straw Humphrey had managed to scrounge, that he heard it. The unmistakable hooting of a poltergeist.<\/p>\n \u201cSir Bart? Is that you?\u201d he whispered into the darkness.<\/p>\n The answering cackle made his blood run cold, and his mother let out a shriek.<\/p>\n \u201cThat old bat? Left me here to rot, he did. Friends of his, are you? Oooh, I will make the rest of your lives miserable,\u201d the decidedly female ghost hissed at them.<\/p>\n Humphrey sighed and turned over as his mother poured herself a drink of the brandy she had also smuggled out.<\/p>\n \u201cHome sweet home.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" “Why is it so hard to find an honest-to-goodness exorcist these days?” Humphrey grumbled as Sir Bartholomew, the castle’s persistent poltergeist, upended his bowl of cereal. Humphrey’s dislodged spoon dripped milk onto the counter. “The last several that have come through have either completely failed to notice any supernatural activity or have run screaming when […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[378],"class_list":["post-9387","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-fairytale-retelling"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9387","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9387"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9387\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9387"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9387"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9387"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}