In this economy you\u2019ve got to take the jobs you can get.<\/p>\n
When I found out a couple of months ago that my new next-door neighbors weren\u2019t just a bunch of loud, inconsiderate dirtbags, they were loud, inconsiderate dirtbags running an interdimensional speakeasy, I offered to tend bar.<\/p>\n
Drunks are drunks, right? It can\u2019t be worse than wrangling frat boys. And say what you want about your average alien menace from outer space, they always tip well.<\/p>\n
I was getting my set-up ready for a hard night of drinking when Djik-lik, my manager, came bustling in. Djik-lik is a pretty good guy, all in all. I\u2019ve certainly worked for worse.<\/p>\n
\u201cJake,\u201d he clicked, \u201cWe have a special request. General K\u2019ll\u2019t\u2019rsk has come to celebrate his great victory over the Ooooooom armies this cycle. He says that tens of thousands of Ooooooom perished in a single battle.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe must be very proud.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe is. He has heard of your people\u2019s \u2018cocktails\u2019 and insists on something very special for his celebrations.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOk. What\u2019s this General K\u2019ll\u2019t\u2019rsk,\u201d a bitch to say, but I was sure with practice I\u2019d get it, \u201clike to drink? We have Jello shots, but they won\u2019t be ready for another hour.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wants it strong, he wants it fast, he wants it blue to celebrate the blue sunshine of Pokrath, the world he has just subjugated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much is he willing to pay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike all T\u2019rr\u2019k, he\u2019s a cheap bastard.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGotcha.\u201d<\/p>\n
So I broke out the Blue Curacao and tequila, mixed up a couple of pitchers of \u201cSunset Over Pokrath,\u201d and sent it on over.<\/p>\n
The T\u2019rr\u2019ks loved it. From my spot behind the bar I could just see their pit as they drank from cereal bowls and boasted of their exploits. The orders for fresh pitchers kept coming and the aliens kept getting rowdier and rowdier.<\/p>\n
A couple of hours into it, Eem came down to my bar. Eem is the seating host for the upstairs restaurant.<\/p>\n
\u201cJake,\u201d she asked, her tail swishing sexily (I\u2019ve always had a thing for a curvy tail), \u201cI\u2019ve got a party from the Ooooooom Empire upstairs. They just conquered a planet or something, and they want special drinks. What have you got?\u201d<\/p>\n
I was putting fresh dry ice cubes into my cocktail shaker. \u201cConquering planets seems to be going around.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis one was called Pokrath. It\u2019s an ancient Meggary word meaning \u2018blue light.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that party started hours ago. They should come down here and join.\u201d I indicated the T\u2019rr\u2019ks. One of them was standing on a bench declaiming what I presume was epic poetry of his culture. His companions pounded enthusiastically on the table every few lines.<\/p>\n
Eem glanced over, then turned green. Greener, I should say. \u201cJake, those are T\u2019rr\u2019k!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. It\u2019s General K\u2019ll\u2019t\u2019rsk and his boys.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I\u2019ve got the Ooooooom Obersignifier upstairs!\u201d<\/p>\n
It can take me a minute to catch up, but I eventually get there. \u201cK\u2019ll\u2019t\u2019rsk says he just conquered the Ooooooom. He killed tens of thousands of them and seized Pokrath.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Ooooooom Obersignifier says he did the same thing to the T\u2019rr\u2019k!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s this about the Ooooooom?\u201d Djik-lik asked as he delivered a bus tub full of glassware to the bar.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Ooooooom are upstairs!\u201d<\/p>\n
Djik-lik dropped the tub. Broken glass flew everywhere. The T\u2019rr\u2019k cheered. Djik-lik\u2019s normally steely skin turned a mottled grey. \u201cThis is terrible! You can\u2019t let them come down here!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know! The Ooooooom and T\u2019rr\u2019k will kill one another!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWorse!\u201d Djik-lik moaned. \u201cThey\u2019ll break the stemware!\u201d
\nI nobly refrained from pointing out that Djik-lik was doing well on that front all by himself and mixed up some more Sunset Over Pokrath. \u201cHere,\u201d I told Eem. \u201cCreated especially in honor of this battle. They\u2019ll love it.\u201d She grabbed the pitcher and scurried upstairs.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Djik-lik,\u201d I asked as I started sweeping up glass. \u201cHow come both sides claim to have conquered the same planet?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe T\u2019rr\u2019k and the Ooooooom are both rapidly expanding empires,\u201d Djik-lik explained. \u201cThey have similar physical needs for gravity, radiation wavelengths, trace elements and the like, and thus similar tastes in real estate. The result is an intractable, genocidal war. At this point it\u2019s not about who gets the planet, which is probably a radioactive waste by now anyway\u2014 it\u2019s about killing as many of the other species as possible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if either party finds out the other one is here\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we\u2019re the radioactive wasteland.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGreat. If I\u2019d known tonight was the end of the world, I\u2019d have called in sick.\u201d<\/p>\n
The drink orders never stopped coming. I mixed pitcher after pitcher of Sunsets, sending half to the T\u2019rr\u2019ks and half upstairs with Eem. I kept an eye on the T\u2019rr\u2019ks, too, as they graduated from the declaiming poetry stage of drunkenness to weeping on one another\u2019s shoulders to declaring their undying affection for one another. I was hoping they\u2019d pass out and we could sneak them out the back way with the Ooooooom none the wiser.<\/p>\n
Then disaster struck. We ran out of Blue Curacao.
\nWhen the next pitcher of drinks didn\u2019t arrive on time, the Ooooooom came looking. They slithered down the stairs en masse.<\/p>\n
Both the T\u2019rr\u2019k and the Ooooooom noticed one another at the same time.<\/p>\n
It was like those old westerns. All the other patrons scurried for the exits, hid under tables, or retreated to the walls to watch the bar brawl to end all bar brawls.<\/p>\n
With a howl, the two opposing groups charged one another. Reptilioid claws met gelatinous lumps of goo. Furniture was tossed wildly to either side.<\/p>\n
Eem, Djik-lik, and I hid behind the bar, waiting for the end of the world. When it didn\u2019t come, we glanced at one another and nervously peeked over the top.<\/p>\n
The T\u2019rr\u2019k and the Ooooooom weren\u2019t fighting. They were hugging one another like long-lost cousins. \u201cI love you too, Bro!\u201d I heard K\u2019ll\u2019t\u2019rsk say too the Ooooooom Obersignifier. \u201cI hate it when we fight! We shouldn\u2019t fight any more!\u201d The Obersignifier jiggled his agreement.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s how the peace treaty was negotiated. All either side needed was a little push in the right direction. And, as it turned out, whatever is in Blue Curacao that acts like MDMA on T\u2019rr\u2019k and Ooooooom metabolisms. A little Love Potion No. 999, you might say.<\/p>\n
All I know is I\u2019m keeping plenty of the stuff on hand, just in case.<\/p>\n
(For Brad, who knows far more about cheap, crappy liquor than I ever will.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In this economy you\u2019ve got to take the jobs you can get. When I found out a couple of months ago that my new next-door neighbors weren\u2019t just a bunch of loud, inconsiderate dirtbags, they were loud, inconsiderate dirtbags running an interdimensional speakeasy, I offered to tend bar. Drunks are drunks, right? It can\u2019t be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[289,422],"class_list":["post-9299","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-dining-room","tag-flash-fiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9299","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9299"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9299\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9299"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9299"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9299"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}