{"id":2017,"date":"2012-03-26T11:00:35","date_gmt":"2012-03-26T16:00:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/?p=2017"},"modified":"2012-03-26T11:00:35","modified_gmt":"2012-03-26T16:00:35","slug":"chief-complaint-flash-fiction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/?p=2017","title":{"rendered":"Chief Complaint (Flash Fiction)"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>
Repository: San Diego Air and Space Museum Archive<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Here\u2019s the best advice I can give you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t die wearing a headdress.<\/p>\n

Of all the things that suck about kicking it, and believe me there is an exhaustive list, the one that seriously chaps my incorporeal ass is that bullshit death mask rule.<\/p>\n

I can understand looking like you did when your expiration date finally hit.\u00a0 I\u2019m not one of those vain creeps who think every spirit walking around should look like George Clooney.\u00a0 (Although if there were sex in heaven, can you imagine the kind of play you\u2019d get with a face like that?\u00a0 Sweet Valhalla!)\u00a0 However, I do think the powers that be get a little picky when it comes to dress code.\u00a0 I see no reason why I should spend the rest of eternity looking like Tonto.<\/p>\n

I really hope my best friend is in hell.<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

If Gabe had had a heart, it would have been in the right place, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, dressed in fringed buckskins and a long, feathered headdress, I couldn\u2019t remember exactly why we were friends.<\/p>\n

Three quick knocks on the bathroom door allowed me a moment to look away from the train wreck of my reflection.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember ever feeling a deeper sense of shame.\u00a0 Thank God I\u2019d skipped the war paint.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, buddy,\u201d Gabe said from the other side of the door.\u00a0 \u201cTime\u2019s a wastin\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do this,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cI look ridiculous.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou look the part,\u201d he said.\u00a0 \u201cNow open the door already.\u201d<\/p>\n

Feeling like a condemned man (irony, you little bitch), I opened the door.\u00a0 Gabe stood on the other side, admiring himself in a full-length mirror.\u00a0 He was dressed like a World War II flyboy, and as I watched, he popped the collar of his leather jacket, winked at himself, and smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI look freakin\u2019 sweet,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought your boss\u2019 party was a cowboys and Indians thing,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

Gabe smoothed his sleeves and then turned in profile to check out his own ass.\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u00a0 Just a cowboy thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen why am I an Indian?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause you want to make an impression,\u201d Gabe said.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a ballsy move.\u00a0 The kind of thing he\u2019ll remember come interview time.\u00a0 Besides, it\u2019s funny.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shame gave way to irritation, and I found myself wishing the costume had come with a tomahawk.\u00a0 \u201cWhy exactly is it funny?\u201d<\/p>\n

Gabe managed to look away from himself long enough to glance at me and shrug.\u00a0 \u201cBecause you\u2019re Indian.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGabe, we\u2019ve talked about this before.\u00a0 I\u2019m not Indian.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe not the right kind of Indian, but nobody\u2019s going to notice,\u201d Gabe said.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re totally rockin\u2019 that look.\u201d<\/p>\n

At the time, I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.\u00a0 Hindsight being what it is, I now know it was just the fog of rage swirling through my head.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m not any kind of Indian, you asshole! \u00a0I\u2019m Pakistani!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever,\u201d Gabe said.\u00a0 It was his stock answer for anything beyond his sphere of understanding.\u00a0 \u201cI just don\u2019t think you should be getting in such a twist about it.\u00a0 Indians are huge right now.\u00a0 They\u2019re on, like, every TV show.\u00a0 Indian is the new black.\u00a0 In fact, if anybody asks, you should tell them you\u2019re from India.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a racist asshole,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019re from Fresno.\u201d\u00a0 He said it like someone else might say \u201ccheckmate.\u201d<\/p>\n

I waited for the great revelation that his tone implied, but no clouds parted, no angels sang.\u00a0 (It wouldn\u2019t be the last time that didn\u2019t happen.)\u00a0 \u201cSo that somehow makes you less racist?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs it applies to you . . . yes.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019d spent the last five months crashing on Gabe\u2019s couch, listening to the wheezing death rattle of the job market lull me to sleep at night.\u00a0 But it wasn\u2019t until that very moment that I saw the true desperation of my situation.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou really think you can help me get this job?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

Gabe smiled like he was sure of himself.\u00a0 I should have known better.\u00a0 He always looked like that.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m on it, chief.\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook my head.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t do that.\u00a0 That\u2019s just wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDude, just embrace it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0* * *<\/p>\n

Before we could leave, Gabe said he had one more surprise for me.\u00a0 We took the stairs to the roof of the building where he introduced me to the mother of all bad decisions.\u00a0 Tethered to one of the building\u2019s air conditioning units was the reason that Gabe had donned the fly boy costume.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not really a pilot,\u201d I said.\u00a0 My knees felt a little wobbly as I looked at the thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been up lots of times,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Always so damned sure of himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not really a plane,\u201d I said.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t look like it belonged in the air at all.\u00a0 The only thing I could think was that somehow, somewhere a bicycle had raped a hang glider, and this was the result.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019ll fly,\u201d Gabe said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI told you.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been up.\u201d<\/p>\n

I considered that for a moment.\u00a0 \u201cWhere\u2019d you get it?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a buddy over at the Air and Space Museum,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

There were so many questions that phrase didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, I think I\u2019d rather drive,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

Gabe shook his head as he walked over to the glider.\u00a0 It was a two-seater, and he took the spot with the steering wheel.<\/p>\n

(A freaking steering wheel!\u00a0 Like that wasn\u2019t a sign from God.)<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got to be bold, man,\u201d Gabe said.\u00a0 He smiled again.\u00a0 Always sure.\u00a0 Always so damned sure.\u00a0 I wonder what he was thinking as every one of those cosmetically straightened teeth exploded into so much shrapnel.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy boss just lives a couple blocks away,\u201d he said. \u00a0\u201cAnd we\u2019ve got plenty of height here.\u00a0 We\u2019ll glide over and land this baby right in his backyard.\u00a0 Grand freakin\u2019 entrance, my friend.\u00a0 What could possibly go wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

Quite a lot actually.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here\u2019s the best advice I can give you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t die wearing a headdress. Of all the things that suck about kicking it, and believe me there is an exhaustive list, the one that seriously chaps my incorporeal ass is that bullshit death mask rule. I can understand looking like you did when your expiration date […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[15,422],"class_list":["post-2017","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-1000-words","tag-flash-fiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2017","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/10"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2017"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2017\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2017"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2017"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2017"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}