{"id":10960,"date":"2018-07-20T06:00:14","date_gmt":"2018-07-20T11:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/?p=10960"},"modified":"2018-07-20T06:00:14","modified_gmt":"2018-07-20T11:00:14","slug":"the-date","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/?p=10960","title":{"rendered":"The Date"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cLiterally everything about this is illegal, Johnny,\u201d Christine said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know!\u201d I grunted, \u201cNow give me a hand.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Up until that night, I had never tried to lift a forklift off of its side.\u00a0 It fucking sucks. My desire to impress Christine came to a screaming halt the second she got it stuck in a pile of thick, gloppy mud and decided that the best thing to do was pull a hard right turn on the steering wheel, turning it over onto its damn side.<\/span><\/p>\n

She really deserved that bloody scrape on her forehead. \u00a0In the end, she could still walk and talk, so I didn\u2019t feel so bad thinking such a nasty thing about her.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I didn\u2019t start out so bitter when the evening started. \u00a0After getting my ass handed to me at wrestling practice, I rushed home. \u00a0It was only an hour before it was time to meet up with Christine. Shower, brush teeth, time to do my hair. \u00a0Yeah, that\u2019s right, I spent an extra few minutes on my hair. She was a babe, though.<\/span><\/p>\n

If I was honest with myself, I didn\u2019t deserve her. \u00a0I was in the 125lb weight class. So first of all, I\u2019m a shrimp. \u00a0Second of all, I only won my spot on the varsity team this week for the meet against Flushing High on merits of a fluke. \u00a0Ethan Lawrence could beat me 99 times out of a 100. Just happened to be my lucky week, I guess. I was a JV kind of guy. Pretty much always have been. \u00a0Third of all, Christine was way out of my league.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had what those in the medical community call a colostomy. \u00a0When I was young, my large intestines stopped working. All the shit that normally goes out of an ass got stuck inside me.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a six year old, I could not have imagined that this kind of pain actually inflicted itself upon human beings. \u00a0The doctors called it an ileus. Sounded more to me like the name of a spaceship, but they said they could cure the pain, so it was an ileus.<\/span><\/p>\n

They connected part of my large intestines to a disgusting pink hole that poked itself out the front of my belly. \u00a0The shit would proceed out of the hole into a bag which adhered to my skin around the hole. I would have to change the bag when it got filled. \u00a0And when gas went into it without the shit, I would have to \u201cburp\u201d the bag and let my extra methane-y farts out into the air before it popped.<\/span><\/p>\n

At first, the colostomy was in place to give the rest of my gut some time to heal, except that it never did heal. \u00a0It started to rot inside of me. Necrosis they said. Again, more like the name of a wizard who waged war on King Arthur and his round table, but they were the geniuses, not me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cListen, Johnny Boy,\u201d Dr. Prewett leaned over and sympathised in a southern drawl, \u201cwe thought that colostomy would be able to go away after a while. \u00a0I\u2019m sorry to say that it isn\u2019t going to after all.\u201d I could see his nose hairs blow in the wind of hot exhalation. His combover was so long, it was almost tickling his chin. \u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re going to be alright though. There\u2019s all kinds of things you can do to be a normal boy. You can still be cool. You can even play sports with the right equipment, but you\u2019ll have to be real careful, you understand me, son?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Yeah, I understood. \u00a0And so as a 17 year-old man, there I was with a bag of shit hanging from my stomach at all times of day. \u00a0You can imagine how cool people thought it was when they started finding out some time between my freshman and sophomore year. \u00a0I was able to hide it until then, but once word got out, I started getting random text messages from unknown numbers saying, \u201cHey Shitbag. \u00a0Do u have a bag of shit on your chest?\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s really cool that you have shit on you all the time. Do you sprinkle it on your popcorn?\u201d or the very clever, \u201cU\u2019re a Shitbag. LMAO.\u201d \u00a0People started sniffing the air mockingly and making puke noises when I would pass them in the hall.<\/span><\/p>\n

I hated my colostomy. \u00a0I obviously never went to pool parties. \u00a0I never took off my shirt. I was able to put off gym class in my early years at Romeo High School. \u00a0And I absolutely never told anyone about my secret shitbag. My problem was that the colostomy never went away. \u00a0It was as much a part of me as my arm, my nose, or my balls.<\/span><\/p>\n

And no one wants to be friends with people who have horrifying appendages. \u00a0I know that for a fact.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cheto was a great friend until Sophomore year. \u00a0For a long time, he would complain about how something smelled like poop every time we\u2019d hang out. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou smell that, hermano?\u201d he\u2019d say, \u201cIt\u2019s like a sewage plant.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, man. \u00a0Might just be the old pipes in the house.\u201d \u00a0And then we\u2019d unpause the game and keep blowing up zombies on my Zenith 19 inch screen sitting between the empty water bottles, doritos crumbs, and stack of books on my dresser. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe he learned the truth and was a good enough guy or maybe he was just too embarrassed for me, but those comments stopped a few years into our friendship. \u00a0He even held his piece when my GI tract would make it\u2019s wet gurgling sound, as it always inevitably did when my bowels moved through its unnatural path. <\/span><\/p>\n

But once I started getting those texts messages, Cheto kind of dropped off the earth. \u00a0He\u2019d always have some excuse not to hang out. That is until he stopped even answering my texts, and I\u2019d mysteriously not see him on my walk to class when I knew for certain that the shortest route between his first and second period was the same one I used.<\/span><\/p>\n

After that, my walks home got lonely.<\/span><\/p>\n

And that\u2019s when Christine entered my life. \u00a0Well, not just Christine, but also the group of olympic athlete jocks that got her drunk or stoned every weekend and promised not to take advantage of her. \u00a0Ethan Lawrence, Greg Rails, and Marco Palioni, who was her boyfriend most of the time. Word is, he didn\u2019t always keep that weekend promise.<\/span><\/p>\n

Something about this group kept everyone on eggshells anytime they were around. \u00a0I mean, they were alphas proving their strength through wedgies, swirlies, and winning touchdown passes. \u00a0And the rest of us runts bowed to their all-powerful high school popularity authority.<\/span><\/p>\n

They walked around like a bunch of Socs trampling on the Greasers. \u00a0Marco being the lead Soc, of course. He\u2019d start a fight with anyone, and he\u2019d do it for fun. \u00a0I swear, it was like Bob Sheldon and Cherry Valance before Ralph Macchio\u2019s character cut out Bob\u2019s intestines. \u00a0Maybe if Bob had lived, he would have had a colostomy, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, the four of them were walking behind me one day after school, and I could hear them harassing Christine about her blonde hair, big boobs, and great Dick-Sucking-Lips. \u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re a fuckin\u2019 bimbo, Christine! Everyone\u2019s tried on those DSL\u2019s.\u201d shouted Greg. She laughed along with them and shoved Greg playfully.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGuys, stop!\u201d Marco shouted, \u201cThat\u2019s my girl you\u2019re talking about.\u201d \u00a0He paused and smiled. \u201cYou\u2019re forgetting all about how great her ass is, too!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And the crowd went wild.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ethan dropped to his knees, hand on his heart, and roared out a laugh like a hyena. \u00a0Greg pointed at him and giggled a sleazy Scooby-Doo guffaw. Christine rolled her eyes with a wide grin and flushed cheeks. \u00a0Marco, cool as a cat, lit up a cigarette while bouncing one eyebrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

This went on all the way down Tilson St. until I got over to N Fremont. \u00a0They gabbed about this and that. The home game coming up on Friday against Utica, Mr. Ellison\u2019s shitty ass essay due Monday, and that dyke bitch, Holly Smith, who towel-whipped Christine in the locker room after an innocent joke about Holly\u2019s thick jungle bush.<\/span><\/p>\n

But like an icy cold front coming in, I heard their boisterous conversations shrink to whispers. \u00a0Why\u2019d they get so quiet all of the sudden?<\/span><\/p>\n

I kept my head down and picked up my pace a little. \u00a0Not too much to let these dogs smell fear, but enough to put some more distance between us.<\/span><\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t far enough, however. \u00a0I felt a rock hit the back of my neck. \u00a0Well, not quite as hard as a rock. And it wasn\u2019t sharp either, but it crunched like a paper sack. \u00a0It didn\u2019t really hurt, but the shock scared me enough that my knees stopped moving and I fell forward on to my palms. \u00a0Scrapes sent shivers up my arms, so I immediately about-faced, sitting my butt on to the sidewalk.<\/span><\/p>\n

The hyena laughter began again, and they were sprinting up to meet me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re Johnny, right?\u201d Christine asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, why? \u00a0What\u2019d you throw at me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

But Marco was already leaning over to pick it up. \u00a0I was right, a paper lunch sack with something inside.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey Shitbag. \u00a0We got something for you.\u201d \u00a0Behind him, Ethan was holding up his phone in a common recording-a-video-with-my-phone stance, smiling in silence. \u00a0Marco floated over to me slowly, eyes locked on mine. \u201cYou think you can come in to my school polluting the air with that bag of feces under your shirt? \u00a0What\u2019s it made out of anyway? Can\u2019t be plastic or else it would hide the smell better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh hell naw,\u201d Greg muttered nodding his head with a crazed look on his face.<\/span><\/p>\n

I stayed quiet, averting my gaze from Marco\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, here\u2019s payback for shitting all over my halls, you bitch-tit asshole.\u201d \u00a0Marco turned the bag over, and unloaded brown and yellow dog excrement all over my face and hair.<\/span><\/p>\n

Christine was the first one to laugh. \u00a0\u201cOh my god! Shit for a Shitbag!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEat it! \u00a0Eat it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what you get, Shitbag!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFuckin\u2019 bitch!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou like it, don\u2019t you, Shitbag?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLet me see the asshole on your belly!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStupid piece o\u2019 shit!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Getting home was the worst part. \u00a0I didn\u2019t want my parents to see me like this, so I sprinted upstairs after coming in through the backdoor. \u00a0My mom started shouting something to me about the PTA meeting, but I kept running straight to the bathroom. I couldn\u2019t even look in the mirror.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Shit for a Shitbag<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

I stood in a cold shower until my hands and feet were numb. \u00a0Then I put a washcloth up to my face to start cleaning off the stains, but I put it back down when I realized that I needed to let them stay on for a little bit longer. \u00a0I deserved stuff like this. If I was cool, then Christine and her titans wouldn\u2019t have done this to me. I wasn\u2019t funny. Not very smart. Not really unique in any way, except for the stoma on my abdomen. \u00a0It looked like a worm\u2019s mouth turned inside out. So the shit stains stayed on for a while before I finally washed them off. <\/span>Shit for a Shitbag<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

After drying off, I laid on my bed, threw on my headphones and let the Dark Side of the Moon blast the memory away:<\/span><\/p>\n

There is no pain you are receding.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

A distant ship smoke on the horizon.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

You are only coming through in waves.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

When I was a child I had a fever.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

My hands felt just like two balloons.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Now I’ve got that feeling once again<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I can’t explain. \u00a0You would not understand.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

This is not how I am.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I have become comfortably numb.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

The next day in class, I found out that Ethan\u2019s video of me went viral around the school. \u00a0I\u2019m not sure why, but that afternoon, I talked to the wrestling coach and asked if I could come on the team even though the season had already started two weeks ago. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, sure,\u201d he said, \u201cbut you\u2019ll be JV until you can beat the Varsity counterpart for your weight class. \u00a0How much do you weigh anyway? 130? 135?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c122, actually.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019ll put you in the 125 weight class. \u00a0Our current Varsity wrestler is Ethan Lawrence for that one.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The next month or so passed and Ethan beat my ass every day at practice, and during the challenge matches for Varsity on Thursdays. \u00a0He\u2019d mutter <\/span>Shitbag<\/span><\/i> or <\/span>Eat shit <\/span><\/i>under his breath every few minutes we wrestled. \u00a0He\u2019d laugh or wink at me when the coach wasn\u2019t looking. \u00a0Once he even feinted an attempt to stick a finger up my rectum, saying it was okay because his finger wasn\u2019t going to get dirty anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to explain how this felt. \u00a0I\u2019m not sure I understood it myself. It was <\/span>satisfying<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

With each insult, I felt more like things were how they were supposed to be. \u00a0It was confirmation of what I already knew to be true. Getting pummeled regularly was kind of cathartic. \u00a0Like the stoics, I wanted to align my lifestyle with the natural truths all around me. And the natural truth was that Shitbags eat shit.<\/span><\/p>\n

With the special athletic colostomy plug my mom got me, I think she thought I was finally breaking out of my shell and trying something social. \u00a0I didn\u2019t really care what she thought, as long as I could keep my digested food off of the mat.<\/span><\/p>\n

But this week with Ethan, things went a little differently. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Challenge matches for Varsity came up, and per usual, he put me in some pretty painful holds. \u00a0Far-side cradle. Chicken wing. Cross-face. <\/span><\/p>\n

However, at the start of the third and final round, his single leg takedown was a little sloppy when he hooked his lead leg around mine. \u00a0His rear leg was exposed, and his head was awkwardly positioned being tucked in my abdomen.<\/span><\/p>\n

Right into the stoma.<\/span><\/p>\n

I grabbed his rear leg and dropped to my side. \u00a0I had trapped both his legs on either side of his body and when I landed, his back was to the mat with both ankles spread eagle, angled toward his head, held down by my arm and leg holds, ass sticking straight up in the air.<\/span><\/p>\n

They call this one the spladle, you son of a bitch.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

He was pinned almost instantly. \u00a0It didn\u2019t matter that I was losing by 12 points. \u00a0I won.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ethan jumped up immediately and pushed me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGet off me, you piece o\u2019 shit!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The coach broke it up and we went our separate ways. \u00a0Ethan didn\u2019t even make a joke in the locker room that day.<\/span><\/p>\n

The next morning Christine stopped me in the hallway.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Johnny.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I was confused, \u201cUh…hi, Christine.\u201d \u00a0I looked both ways to see if there was someone about to jump out and give the punchline of this joke.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you really beat Ethan yesterday? \u00a0You\u2019re gonna wrestle Varsity this weekend?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c…Ye…Yeah. \u00a0Why?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, it\u2019s impressive. \u00a0That\u2019s why. Do you want to go out with me tonight?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I was more than nervous at this point. \u00a0Anxious. \u201cWhat? Aren\u2019t you with Marco Palioni?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUgh. \u00a0No. That bastard and I are over. \u00a0For good this time. Besides that, Ethan\u2019s always been a little bitch anyway, and when you beat him, I told him I was going to go out with you, and he got really pissed. \u00a0That\u2019s fine. None of those assholes get to tell me what to do. So can I pick you up tonight at 8?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026 uh\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou what? \u00a0Don\u2019t you know who just asked you out on a date? \u00a0You better say yes before I change my mind.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChristine\u2026 last time we talked, you threw dogshit on my head.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh that? \u00a0Gawd, can\u2019t you take a joke? \u00a0Anyway, that wasn\u2019t me. That was Marco the asshole.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut nothing. \u00a0Besides, I\u2019ve grown a lot since then anyway.\u201d \u00a0Her eyes looked to the left when she said it and she bit her lower lip.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh…okay\u2026 yeah.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She pranced away without another word. \u00a0Her skirt hugged her buttcheeks, swaying back and forth with each step.<\/span><\/p>\n

And so after spending those few extra minutes on my hair, I took out my cologne and gave a good spray on my neck and upper chest. \u00a0Then one more spray on my crotch, just in case. If it went that direction, I could probably keep my shirt on and everything would be cool, but I had to be prepared.<\/span><\/p>\n

I waited nervously in the front room looking out the window to make sure she stopped at the right place. \u00a0My mom came in and asked where I was going.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOut,\u201d \u00a0I paused, \u201cUh\u2026sorry… \u00a0I didn\u2019t mean that to be so abrupt. \u00a0I\u2019m going out with a friend.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh? \u00a0With Cheto? \u00a0I haven\u2019t seen him in a while.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWith who then?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell\u2026 it\u2019s with someone from school. \u00a0Christine.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Her eyebrows raised, \u201cA girl?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. \u00a0It\u2019s no big deal,\u201d I spat out awkwardly.<\/span><\/p>\n

She jawed her mouth open to speak, but then caught herself, got down off her tip toes, and said \u201cWhat are you guys going to do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGeez, Mom. \u00a0I don\u2019t know. \u00a0We\u2019re gonna go out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She stood there calculating in her head and a smile on her face, \u201cWell, have a good time. \u00a0Be safe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, I will, Mom.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, baby.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMom, come on,\u201d I rolled my eyes, \u201cI love you, too\u2026 just\u2026 it\u2019s no big deal.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, if you say so. \u00a0Have fun.\u201d She walked out of the room with a little more skip in her step than normal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Christine came to the door at 8:45. \u00a0She was dressed in a bikini with a white tank top and short jean shorts hanging below her hips overtop of it. \u00a0Her long blonde hair was straightened, decorating her shoulders.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, pick your jaw up off the floor and let\u2019s go,\u201d she said.<\/span><\/p>\n

I got into her \u201817 Chevy Impala and couldn\u2019t manage to think of anything to say. \u00a0It was fine though, because she didn\u2019t say anything either. She just turned on some Rihanna and got to driving.<\/span><\/p>\n

40mph, 50mph, 60mph, all in a residential zone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Christine. \u00a0Don\u2019t you think you\u2019re going kinda fast?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She laughed, \u201cDon\u2019t you think you should live a little?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but there\u2019s kids and stuff.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStop worrying. \u00a0They\u2019ll get out of the way. \u00a0It\u2019s late anyway, and their parents wouldn\u2019t let them out even if they begged. \u00a0It\u2019s bedtime.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I looked out the window and kept the rest of the argument to myself.<\/span><\/p>\n

After four of Rihanna\u2019s greatest hits, we pulled into a dirt drive and went for another quarter mile or so before stopping in front of a large farmhouse.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are we?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCome on.\u201d \u00a0Christine opened the door and started walking toward the front door even before I had my seatbelt off. \u00a0She was inside before I could get to the porch.<\/span><\/p>\n

The lights were all off and she was cascading her shadows on the adjacent bookshelf. \u00a0She was holding a pillowcase in one hand (God only knows where she was storing that thing in her skimpy outfit) and grabbing trinkets off a glass display case, putting them inside her makeshift bag.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChristine. \u00a0What are you doing?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSssshhh!\u201d she yell-whispered, \u201cI saw him at the bar, but that was an hour ago, and I\u2019m only 90% sure he\u2019s still gone.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSaw who at the bar?\u201d My heart began racing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t know him anyway. \u00a0Now get over here and help me. More workers make the job merrier.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChristine. \u00a0What exactly am I helping you do?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUgh,\u201d she sighed, clearly exasperated, \u201cFuckin\u2019 idiot. \u00a0You take the good stuff and put it in the bag. It\u2019s not rocket science.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? \u00a0Come on, Christine. \u00a0This isn\u2019t ours.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She stopped mid-swipe and looked me in the eyes. \u00a0She shifted her weight impatiently to the other leg, \u201cFine. \u00a0If you help me out, I\u2019ll show you my boobs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Shit. \u00a0One of my many weaknesses. \u00a0The only boobs I\u2019d seen up until then were on my Macbook alone in my room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAlright, take it easy.\u201d Unsteady, I walked into the kitchen and started grabbing gold coasters in the dark like Billy the goddamn Kid.<\/span><\/p>\n

We continued to steal for another 10 minutes before she whispered, \u201cOkay. \u00a0Sack\u2019s full. Let\u2019s go put it in the car.\u201d I rushed outside, ready to leave this nightmare and get my prize.<\/span><\/p>\n

She loaded up and turned around to find me standing there with a look of eagerness.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet,\u201d she grinned, \u201cThere\u2019s more to do.\u201d \u00a0In her hand was a spray paint can. She jogged over to the right side of the porch and immediately started writing a 3 foot tall message.<\/span><\/p>\n

LEAVE MY ASS ALONE! \u00a0#PERVERT<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

What the hell have I gotten myself into?<\/span><\/p>\n

She dropped the spray paint can and started walking toward the barn which was 100 feet off of the house, began opening the giant sliding door, and slipped inside like a ghost.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChristine,\u201d again yell-whispering, \u201cWait! \u00a0Where are you going?\u201d I entered after her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFuck yeah!\u201d I heard her say in the dark. \u00a0A rumble of a motor turning over. A piercing beep. \u00a0Finally, the electronic whir of a forklift being driven out of the barn. \u00a0She sped past me zig-zagging. She was screaming shrills of elation now. The silence be damned, I guess.<\/span><\/p>\n

She steered the metal beast onto a path that lead immediately into the adjoining woods. \u00a0I ran after her. I don\u2019t know why. Maybe to talk some sense into her. Probably more like I was too scared to stand there by myself on some innocent pervert\u2019s dirt drive.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not a quarter mile into the joyride, I saw her turn the damn thing over on to its side.<\/span><\/p>\n

She crawled out of it, relatively unharmed, just a scrape on her forehead, \u201cLiterally everything about this is illegal, Johnny.\u201d \u00a0Fires of insanity burned brightly in her eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

We tried to pick it up, but it must have been a few thousand pounds. \u00a0After a few minutes of trying to no avail, she said, \u201cFuck it. Let\u2019s just go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cChristine, what the fuck do -\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNow just hold it right the fuck there!\u201d \u00a0A dusky voice with a southern accent shouted from a short distance. \u00a0A man in a truckers hat with a scuzzy beard stepped forward. He was easy to see in the full moon\u2019s light. \u00a0Grease stains covered his white wifebeater. And in his hands was a very large shotgun.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWho the hell are you? \u00a0And what have you done to my property?\u201d \u00a0He said stalking forward and closing the distance.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2026 I\u2026\u201d I stammered.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAlright,\u201d Christine shrugged, \u201cJust put the gun down, and I\u2019ll take you inside and make this right.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He paused, \u201cHell, you\u2019re the girl from Larry\u2019s place. \u00a0What the fuck are you doing here?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

By that time, he was close enough for me to smell the Jim Beam on his breath. \u00a0Well, it may have just been soaked into his shirt. Or maybe it was just his scent.<\/span><\/p>\n

The moment of surprise passed without either Christine or I saying anything.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re both trespassing on private property and I have every right to shoot you dead on the spot. \u00a0Now, was it you, you little bitch, who done turned my forklift over and wrote that shit on my house?\u201d \u00a0The gun was pointed at Christine, but he careened it over to me, \u201cOr was it this little shit bag?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Piss colored my jeans. \u00a0<\/span>Oh shit! \u00a0Oh shit! Oh SHIT! \u00a0This is what you get, you stupid fucker, for thinking you had a shot with Christine Tits McGee. \u00a0This is payback for polluting Marco\u2019s air in the halls of his school. Shit for a Shitbag… Billy the goddamn Kid? \u00a0Yeah fuckin\u2019 right, you stupid son of a bitch. Eat shit. My finger\u2019s not gonna get dirty anyway. You\u2019re in the spladle now, asshole. \u00a0Whatchu gonna do about it? Just what the fuck you gonn\u2019 do about it? …Shoot you dead on the spot… There is no pain you are receding. \u00a0The distant ship smoke on the horizon. I have become comfortably numb\u2026.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201c…It\u2026 it was her,\u201d \u00a0I sputtered with the strength of a mouse.<\/span><\/p>\n

BLAMO!<\/span><\/p>\n

Christine didn\u2019t even scream. \u00a0She just put her hands to her belly to start plugging up all the holes from the buck shot. \u00a0Blood and shit were swelling out. Not swelling, but pouring out. Pouring like the wave of blood at the elevators in Kubrick\u2019s version of the Shining. \u00a0She coughed up red sputum and dropped to her knees. I could see now that it wasn\u2019t a bunch of tiny holes, it was one large canyon which ripped open her abdomen. \u00a0Her intestines riled around like coiling rattle snakes vomiting up blood past their sharp venomous fangs.<\/span><\/p>\n

In a reaction of desperation, I ran left off the path into the thick foliage.<\/span><\/p>\n

BLAMO! \u00a0BLAMO! \u201cGet back here, Shitbag!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I wound my way out into the open air of the farm and over to Christine\u2019s car. \u00a0Keys in the ignition (you fuckin\u2019 idiot, Christine). VROOOOM. And I was gone.<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess I always wondered what it would be like to be the cool guy. \u00a0The Big Man on Campus. The B.M.O.C. The hip fuckin\u2019 guy who always knew what to do. \u00a0Johnny Goddamn Schlotzko. Mostly, I always wondered what it would be like if, just for once, someone else had a disgusting fucking hole in their belly.<\/span><\/p>\n

Well, that was one way of doing it.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cLiterally everything about this is illegal, Johnny,\u201d Christine said. \u201cI know!\u201d I grunted, \u201cNow give me a hand.\u201d Up until that night, I had never tried to lift a forklift off of its side.\u00a0 It fucking sucks. My desire to impress Christine came to a screaming halt the second she got it stuck in a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[415],"class_list":["post-10960","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-first-and-last-line"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10960","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10960"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10960\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10960"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10960"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.confabulatorcafe.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10960"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}