Collections Hell

To: mathew.logan@soulnet.org
From: collections@hellnet.org

Dear Matthew Logan,

I am writing to inform you that your grace period of 15 years, as previously agreed upon by both parties, is coming to a close. On September 30, 2016 your fee of the energy from one human soul, hereafter known as your immortal soul, will be due. On or before this date, your immortal soul will be ripped from your body and transferred to the underworld for eternal storage. Please make whatever arrangements you feel are appropriate and schedule a visit with one of our many repossesion agents at your earliest convenience.

Appointments for immortal soul collection do fill up fast during this time of year, due to the many contracts signed during the early autumn months. In order to ensure a convenient time to surrender your immortal soul, we do recommend that you make an appointment as soon as possible. The process is fast and we try our best to make it as painless as possible.

If you have any questions or concerns, please contact your case-demon directly at: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

Ralachi
Fifth Level of Hell
Collections Department

#

To: collections@hellnet.org
From: mathew.logan@soulnet.org

How on Earth did you get this email? I did not and never have signed any kind of contract for my immortal soul. If this is some kind of joke, it’s not funny.

Mathew Logan

#

To: mathew.logan@soulnet.org
From: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

Dear Mr. Logan,

Our records clearly indicate that you signed a contract with one of our agents. The terms and conditions were explained to you at the time and are clearly stated on the written contract. If you’d like, I can attach a copy of them for you to look at.

Ralachi
Fifth Level of Hell
Collections Department

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org
From: mathew.logan@soulnet.org

Do not contact me again.

Mathew Logan

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org
From: hebariel@lesserheaven.org

On September 2nd my client, Mathew Logan, was contacted by you to collect a debt which he does not believe he owes. My client has prayed for intercession and we have answered his prayer.

We have done a thorough and detailed search of our records and find that Mathew Logan’s soul still belongs to his person and as such is not eligible for collection by either of our agents until such time as he expires naturally and his soul can be weighed.

Please be aware that this man is considered to be a Good Man and is under the protection of Heaven and the Lesser Angels at this time. You are ordered to immediately cease all communications with my client. Do not contact Mathew Logan again. If you have any questions or concerns they should go through me.

Sincerely,
Hebariel
The Host of Lesser Angels
Agency of Heavenly Souls

#

To: hebariel@lesserheaven.org
From: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

Our records clearly show that on or about September 30, 1996, Matthew Logan knowingly and with full disclosure did sign a contract with one of our agents. The contract details are confidential and we cannot disclose them to you without his permission, but they

We wish to resolve this situation soon as delaying the collection of our souls does send the wrong message to our clients. A repossession agent will be dispatched to Mr. Logan’s location on September 30 to take possession of his soul if it is not stored with us before then.

I have attached a scan of the original contract for your perusal. I’m sure that you’ll find everything in order and I hope that you’ll update your records to allow us to do our job and collect Mr. Logan’s soul this month as is our right.

Please convey to him our desire to have this taken care of as swiftly and painlessly as possible. I’m sure that you don’t want to see his soul damaged by a hasty collection any more than we do.

Ralachi
Fifth Level of Hell
Collections Department

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org
From: hebariel@lesserheaven.org

I’ve taken a look at your infernal contract and have compared it to our records. While I’m certain that some Matthew Logan sold you his soul, it was not the Mathew Logan you are trying to contact. This Mathew Logan will remain under the protection of the Heavenly Host until the time of his death or until he takes action to dissolve our protection.

You cannot collect this man’s soul yet. Any attempt to do so, this month or any month in the future without an actual written agreement between the two of you will result in damage to your collections agents. This matter is closed as far as we’re concerned.

Sincerely,
Hebariel
The Host of Lesser Angels
Agency of Heavenly Souls

#

To: hebariel@lesserheaven.org
From: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

Look angel, this man’s soul belongs to us. I don’t know how else to spell it out. We have a signed agreement with him. His soul is due. Our agents will collect it on September 30th and any interference will be met with force. It’s best for all parties if you and your overbearing heavenly “agents” stand down. We don’t want to get into any unscheduled holy wars on Earth.

Ralachi
Fifth Level of Hell
Collections Department

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org
From: hebariel@lesserheaven.org

Dude, you unholy spawn. You have the wrong guy. Take a look at your own contract again. You’re looking for a Matthew Logan but you’re contacting a Mathew Logan. Only one T. There’s no need to threaten any kind of violence. This Mathew Logan is under our protection. Go find the Matthew Logan you actually signed a contract with. Our agents won’t interfere with his collection AS LONG AS YOU ARE COLLECTING A SOUL FROM THE RIGHT MAN.

Sincerely,
Hebariel
The Host of Lesser Angels
Agency of Heavenly Souls

#

To: hebariel@lesserheaven.org
From: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

Oh man, this is the eleventh time one of my clients has failed to keep their email up to date with our department. Please communicate my regrets to Mathew Logan. We will not be collecting his soul this month.

But Matthew Logan’s contract is still coming due. If you have a current email for him or any information that would let us contact him, it would speed up the process of collecting his soul.

Ralachi
Fifth Level of Hell
Collections Department

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org
From: hebariel@lesserheaven.org

I’m glad to hear that the matter with Mathew Logan is closed. Matthew Logan, on the other hand, is your problem. I’m not obligated to help you collect on a soul that your blighted department lost.

Have a great day in Hell,
Hebariel
The Host of Lesser Angels
Agency of Heavenly Souls

#

To: hebariel@lesserheaven.org
From: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

Hey, we’ve helped your department out multiple times when we have information that you need. We will collect Matthew Logan’s soul at some point, but knowing his whereabouts makes it far easier on everyone involved. I’m not asking for tracking information on the guy or anything. Just an email.

Ralachi
Fifth Level of Hell
Collections Department

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org
From: hebariel@lesserheaven.org

I’m not helping you drag another human into hell, spawn of Satan.

Sincerely,
Hebariel
The Host of Lesser Angels
Agency of Heavenly Souls

#

To: hebariel@lesserheaven.org
From: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org

Hey angel, bringing my parentage into this is really not cool. Aren’t you supposed to be the good guys? If I can’t bring this case to a conclusion I’m going to lose my position here. Help me out?

Ralachi
Fifth Level of Hell
Collections Department

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org
From: hebariel@lesserheaven.org

Bugger off you dragon from hell with your horns of pride.

Sincerely,
Hebariel
The Host of Lesser Angels
Agency of Heavenly Souls

#

To: ralachi.collections@hellnet.org, hebariel@lesserheaven.org
From: KingofKings@greaterheaven.org

We appreciate your efforts in bringing this case to a satisfactory resolution. No further followup is required on your part. Please be advised that continued discussion of this case will result in disciplinary action. Report to your superiors for new assignments.

God
YHWH
haShem
The Light
King of Kings
Lord of Lords
Lord of the Hosts
Ancient of Days
Elohim
El-Shaddai
Jehovah
Adonai
Human Relations

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To: hebariel@lesserheaven.org
From: ralachi.demonrelations@hellnet.org

Please find enclosed the documents for Hell’s newly formed Angel/Demon relations team. We hope that its creation will help to foster a new period of mutual understanding between our two departments, you angelic fuck.

Ralachi
Fourth Level of Hell
Angel/Demon Relations

Dianne Williams lives in Lawrence, Kansas. She grew up reading Nancy Drew mysteries and classic science fiction. She once dreamed of being an astronaut. Or maybe a lawyer. Or an artist. She settled for being as many of them as she could all at once through fiction writing.

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