What’s the most blatant lie you’ve ever told?

We chose the name “Confabulator Cafe” for our group because in one definition, confabulation is described as the spontaneous narrative of events that never happened. As writers, we are notorious for making things up, so lying is something that comes to us somewhat naturally. Many of us have told some whoppers in our day, and below you will find the most blatent lies the Confabulators have told. If you can believe them.

Christie Holland

I’m a writer. I make up things for a living. I don’t understand this question. What? That isn’t a good enough answer? FIne. I will quote Doctor Who then. “I think you’ll find that I’m universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult.” Yeah. That’s it. No one in their right mind would consider me to be an adult.

Jason Arnett

This is an interesting question. If I ever admit to the most blatant lie I’ve ever told then I will admit to being a liar. It suits me to sidestep this question and deny ever having lied in any way about anything. That, in fact, may be the biggest lie I’ve ever told. Or it may not. You’ll have to decide for yourself. I will say that lying is an essential part of being human. Every story I’ve written is a lie, in fact. None of them ever happened. Or if they did, they didn’t happen in the way I described them or the places I indicated. Or at the time I wrote it. So now you can decide for yourself if I’m a liar, or lying about not being one. Which do you think?

Amanda Jaquays

I don’t lie. No. Seriously. I don’t. Okay, not usually at any rate. Okay, okay, you’ve caught me. Amusingly, that isn’t even the most blatant lie I’ve told (because, come on, we all knew I was lying, right?) No, I usually lie about my productivity. As in, “I’ll get right on that!” or “I won’t procrastinate this time!” It probably says something about me that my worst lies are almost always directed at myself… either that or I just hate letting people down.

Sara Lundberg

Sometimes things will come out of my mouth and after I say them I think, “Jesus, that’s not even remotely true, why did I just say that? Where did that even come from?” It’s not quite a compulsion, and it’s never about anything that matters, but sometimes I am amazed by what I say to people. That being said, I think the most blatant lie that I’ve ever told, and tell repeatedly, is “yeah, I totally have this under control. I know exactly what I’m doing.” If I ever say that to you, laugh at me, because it is a boldface lie.

Paul Swearingen

The most blatant lie was also pretty much the last one I ever told. I was about 8. My folks had gone into town for a Farmers’ Union meeting, leaving my brother (age 5) and me in charge of the place, so we proceeded to bounce on the bed. “Craaack!” One of the side rails split, leaving the mattress and box springs tilted to one side. I tried to fib up some story about dropping a hairbrush on the bed and falling when I tried to pick it up, but of course that didn’t fly, so I got my fanny dusted. From that point, I decided that if telling lies resulted in painful endings for me, I might as well tell the truth, even if they result in painful endings, too.

Ashley M. Poland

I had a lying phase. I lied a lot. I am a lying liar who lies. But probably the most memorabe was the time my brother and I broke our parent’s brand new kitchen table. We were… 11 and 12, I think. They bought it as a wedding gift; it wasn’t more than two weeks old. Jeff & I discovered that if we sat on opposite ends, it balanced right out. The story varies — of course it does — but as I recall it, in a moment of horrible communication, I hopped off just as he jumped on. One foot snapped clean off. We got caught trying to use wood glue to fix it, at which point we tried to blame it on the cat and the dog. We were totally caught. I like to think I’m a slightly better liar storyteller now.

Jack Campbell, Jr.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I don’t lie in ways that hurt people, but I have never let the truth get in the way of a good story, or even a bad one for that matter. As long as you are entertained, does it really matter if I actually did what I said I did? Besides, there are many types of lying. Most people even lie to themselves. They lie when they really think they are telling the truth. At least I know when I am making stuff up.

Kevin Wohler

When I was dining at a secluded restaurant in Savannah, there was a guy at the next table who looked remarkably like Ted Turner. So I nudged my friend and said, “Don’t look now, but I think that’s Ted Turner.” She didn’t believe me for one second. This backfired on me, though. The following day, I saw Michael Jordan at our hotel. (Seriously, it looked just like him. And he said hi to me in that way celebrities do when they know they’ve been recognized.) But because of the Ted Turner lie, she never believed me.

Cafe Management

Cafe Management is run by the administration of The Confabulator Cafe. We keep things running smoothly, post stories by guest authors, and manage other boring back-end tasks.